Choosing the Coach

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1020
Choosing the Coach

Above: Illustration by Anthony Lawrence

Dilip Bobb 

~By Dilip Bobb

A former (now late) editor of The Times of India once said his job is the second most important one after the prime minister. He was rightly trolled. That distinction goes to the coach of the Indian cricket team. The coach is the one who can send 1.2 billion people delirious with joy—or suicidal. To select Anil Kumble’s replacement, the BCCI had prepared a questionnaire for prospective applicants whittled down to three (Sehwag was excluded because he had tweeted his answers). Here are the questions along with the respective answers.

What are your personal feelings for Virat Kohli?

  1.  God’s gift to cricket
  2.  Captain Fantastic
  3.  The best thing since DRS

What is the role of the cricket team coach?

  1. Keep the BCCI happy
  2. Keep Kohli happy
  3.  Keep mouth shut

How will you motivate the team?

  1. Get them to chant Bharat Mata Ki Jai once every hour
  2. Get Baba Ramdev to conduct their training sessions
  3. Ask Niti Aayog for a project report

Who are the Three Wise Men of Indian cricket?

  1. Sunil Gavaskar, Ravi Shastri and Harsha Bhogle
  2. Saurav Ganguly, Sachin Tendulkar and VVS Laxman
  3. Narendra Modi, Amit Shah and Arun Jaitley

What incentives should be offered to the team to boost performance?

  1. Rajya Sabha membership where they don’t have to attend sessions
  2. An extended session with Arnab Goswami next time they face Pakistan
  3. Videos of Dangal to be played on a loop on their Oppo mobile phones

What training methods would you recommend?

  1. For batsmen, extended sessions with gau rakshaks on the art of big hitting
  2. For the bowlers, time spent with anti-Romeo squads to learn how to separate pairs and break partnerships
  3. Yoga with Ramdev; he even had Amit Shah hopping like the Energizer bunny

What items must a coach have on him at all times?

  1. Back guard to prevent being unexpectedly stabbed
  2. Mouth guard to prevent offering advice
  3. Aadhaar Card for identification

Whose numbers must be on speed dial?

  1. Rajeev Shukla
  2. Amit Shah
  3. Anushka Sharma

Where should the coach sit during a key match?

  1. Behind the sight screen
  2. Cow Corner (used in limited over games)
  3. In the team coach

In the huddle, what should be the mantra?

  1. Acche din aane waale hai
  2. To get maidens over, keep a good length
  3. Boost is the secret of our success

People who should be banned from India Games

  1. Maria Sharapova (for daring to ask who Sachin Tendulkar was)
  2. Omar Abdullah for tweeting congratulations to the Pakistan team
  3. Priyanka Chopra in a dress that shows her knees

What the coach should never speak about in public or social media?

  1. Anything said in the dressing room
  2. Anything to do with cricket
  3. Anything

When planning strategy, who has the last word?

  1. The Captain
  2. Mayanti Langer
  3. 1.2 billion Indians

Whose poster should adorn the dressing room wall for inspiration?

  1. Narendra Modi
  2. Che Guevara
  3. Alia Bhatt