~By Dilip Bobb
India seems to be in perpetual battle mode. Hardly a day passes without a conflict over conflicting views or an assault on our senses or sensibilities. April, they say, is the cruellest month and so it has been, showing us where we are heading and we should be watching out for. Here are some signs of the times.
VIPs: Someone should calculate the amount of time we spend watching them; on television, the campaign trail or stuck in a traffic jam waiting for them to pass. Now it has come to pass that the PM has ordered the removal of the most prominent badge of a VIP—the red beacon. Some are seeing red, others feeling blue, but the order comes with another Modiism—every citizen is a VIP. That means we now have 1.2 billion VIPs compared to the official number; 5,79,091! (America has 252). Removal of the lal batti is akin to demonetisation; VIP now means Very Impotent Person.
Loudspeakers: Some would say that VIPs and loudspeakers are the same thing but now we have the bald truth; they both disturb our peace of mind. We were reminded of this by Sonu Nigam, who is singing a different tune; being woken at an ungodly hour by the call to prayer. It was inevitable that it would head to a confrontation. His head is now all tonsured as he waits for the Rs 10 lakh offered by a maulvi. That would have made it the most expensive haircut in history but the singer without his long tresses and VIPs without red beacons? We can only hang our heads in shame.
Bars: Along with the Great One Horned Toad and the Yangtze Finless Porpoise, bars and liquor vends are now headed for inclusion on the Endangered Species List. Madhya Pradesh Chief Minister Shivraj Chouhan, the latest to join the ‘banwagon’, says prohibition will be staggered, like the imbibers, but the way BJP states are following suit, you could soon be behind bars for being in bars. Getting high on power, a la Ravindra Gaikwad, is fine but not on Black Dog, which has acquired a new meaning. Politicians have realised that populist schemes like loan waivers and gas connections may cheer some voters, but liquor is quicker.
The late Party: No, not the Swatantra Party or the Gondwana Ganatantra Party which are now defunct, or late, the phrase refers to late-night parties which some chief ministers are banning, reasoning that such things are against Indian culture. Goa, the country’s most happening party place, is the first to start a drive against late-night partying, thanks to the BJP and chief minister Manohar Parrikar, who, in an earlier avatar, had compared himself to Hanuman giving power to the Indian army. His new Mother Superior attitude has produced a Latin slogan, Feni finis, among Goans who now have nowhere to Go. They can all apply for yogiships, which, incidentally, also involves shaving the head.
Hand holding: Hand holding is a popular corporate term which involves a mentor and mentee. Thanks to The Yogi and his disdain for Shakespearean tragedies (hence Anti-Romeo squads) it is now a crime punishable by beatings and threats to extract vows of eternal celibacy. Uttar Pradesh may boast of the world’s greatest monument to love, but those in a state of romantic bliss can now follow Hollywood actress Gwynith Paltrow’s advice on “conscious uncoupling”.
Bovinae: Not many of us were educated in bovinae, the biological study of large sized ungulates. Now, thanks to the knives being sharpened over eating habits, our understanding of the bovine and its place in Hindu culture has certainly grown. It has reminded us that the phrase “Sacred Cow” means an idea or custom or institution that is held to be above criticism. It may put a certain community on the horns of a dilemma, but there can be no udder way.