Material pleasures often can’t make amends for these desolate women whose husbands live in the UAE. They are trapped by lecherous men, fall prey to depression or suicidal tendencies, and are divorced for suspected adultery.
By TK Devasia
When Sajhir Mohammed (name changed), a Malayali toiling in the Gulf, saw internet visuals of his wife back home in Kerala, cavorting with a taxi driver from Kozhikode, he was shocked. Never could he have imagined that the wife he had left behind in Chavakkad in Thrissur district would have an extramarital affair with Muhammed Sultan, a friend of his younger brother. Sultan met her during a visit to his friend’s house and started contacting her on mobile. The married man with a child soon won her trust and started a rollicking affair with her. Sultan was arrested after Sajhir lodged a complaint.
Investigations revealed that Sultan suspected the woman of two-timing him and therefore, released the tape on the internet. The use of mobiles and internet to exploit women is on the rise in Kerala, and the ones most susceptible are the lonely Gulf wives whose husbands work there. Modern technology is used by criminals not only to solicit sex, but also extort. Gulf wives are given these gadgets by their husbands so that they can communicate with ease and relieve the tedium of lonely lives. Criminal gangs entrap these women by playing on their vulnerability and show their real colors after they come to depend on them and enter into extramarital relationships. And, when things get too complicated and go out of hand, the women desperately seek help.
TECH DRAGNET
Uma Preman, a social worker in Guruvayoor, says exploitation of women through mobile phones is rampant in Chavakkad, known as “mini Gulf” as almost every house has a Gulf wife. They are easy prey for all kinds of people, be it salesmen, drivers, electricians, plumbers or mechanics.
The modus operandi is simple, says Uma. While salesmen leave their mobile numbers in the shopping bags of these women, maintenance workers get access to them when they are called for various jobs. Uma claims they make women call them several times for work and even delay it so that they get time to build intimacy. They also don’t arouse suspicion as odd jobs always need to be done at home. This is a significant advantage as Gulf wives are always looked at with suspicion, not only by relatives, but also by neighbors.
According to Uma, even criminal gangs have sprung up in Chavakkad to exploit Gulf wives, sexually and financially. They are mainly educated and unemployed youth. Uma herself had to struggle to liberate a Gulf wife, 31, from the clutches of one such gang. The woman started liaising with a gang member after responding to a missed call. She was robbed of her entire savings and ornaments and was in a mental hospital for three years before she recovered. But the nefarious designs of the man continued. He filed a habeas corpus petition in the high court, saying she was under illegal detention in the hospital. Uma had to keep shifting her to various hospitals until she regained strength to disown the man and take care of her daughter. “The incident left her husband an alcoholic,” informs Uma.
Several women had also approached her after they become pregnant or contracted sexually transmitted diseases, reveals Uma, who also runs a medical information centre. One of them, she claims, even threatened to commit suicide when Uma refused to help her in terminating pregnancy. The woman later went to a hospital in nearby Palakkad, presented her lover as a legal husband and got the abortion done on health grounds.
COPING WITH INCEST
Shockingly, these women, who live with their in-laws, are also victims of the lust of male members of the family, claims Uma. In one case, a woman who had sexual relations with her brother-in-law, refused to share the conjugal bed when her husband came from the Gulf on an annual vacation. In another case, a 29-year-old woman was so infatuated with her father-in-law that she entered into a relationship with him, following the death of his wife. These cases of incest came to light after serious complications. Usually, the women suppress them, as the refusal to yield to sexual demands fuels false allegations against them. Dr N Krishnan Kutty, former professor and head of department of psychiatry at Thiruvananthapuram and Alappuzha medicalcolleges, said several Gulf wives facing such allegations had approached him at Varkala, another major Gulf pocket in Kerala, where he is a psychiatric consultant.
Many wives are reluctant to complain as it would lead to dislocation. Sunitha (name changed), a 28- year-old graduate, kept her adulterous relationship with her co-brother a secret as she had nowhere to go. Her husband, who works in Dubai, had made her quit her job in a private firm near her parents’ house at Kodungallor and put her in his sister’s house in Kochi after he suspected her of infidelity with her boss. Sunitha is now not allowed to go out alone and remains arrested at home.
CLOUD OF SUSPICION
Many of these marriages have unhappy beginnings. Sunitha was reluctant to marry a Gulf migrant, but she relented later when her parents pointed out their difficulty in raising a dowry, not only for her but also her two younger sisters. Her dream of a happy, conjugal life vanished when her husband Rajan rushed back to the Gulf, barely 20 days after marriage, expressing his difficulty in taking her along. He used to visit her once in two or three years and this too was an unhappy experience as he would keep probing her about alleged extramarital affairs.
Sunitha’s story is similar to that of thousands of Gulf wives spending a life under the suspicion cloud. Almost 90 percent of Kerala expats work in Gulf countries, and many of them are unable to take their wives along as they don’t earn enough to get a family visa.
Unfortunately, suspicion creeps into the relationship as the men leave for the Gulf before getting to know their brides well, says Kutty. There is little scope for further understanding as the men hardly get a month’s vacation and that too once a year or in two years. The suspicion and loneliness, he says, leads to mental problems in women. Common complaints seen include stress and mild depression.
Kutty says he had even been approached by these men to prove the adultery of their spouses. In many cases, this leads to divorce. Even family courts have seen an increase in adultery-related cases. However, K Mohanan, a lawyer at the Thiruvananthapuram family court says many of the migrants were approaching the court without sufficient evidence. Some also file false cases in collusion with unscrupulous lawyers to get rid of their wives and marry other women as their financial status gets better.
A recent survey conducted by the Non-Resident Keralites Affairs Department of the government found about 10 lakh women living separately from their husbands. They account for about 10 percent of the married women in the state.
MIGRATION WOES
Though much has been reported about the positive impacts of migration, including empowerment of Gulf wives, no serious attempt has been made to study the sexual issues triggered by it. A recent study (which contradicts the 2002 study referred to in the box on the facing page) by the Centre for Development Studies (CDS), Thiruvanan-thapuram, says a spurt in migration could lead to sexual anarchy in the state. The signs are already evident in the rising number of sexual abuses, divorces and suicides. Kerala tops among states in divorces and alcoholism. Sociologists view extramarital relations as a major contributing factor for divorces, which have increased by 350 percent over the last decade.
“As extramarital relations are on the rise in Kerala, Gulf wives involved in such affairs could be more. They are more vulnerable due to loneliness,” says Dr Susan Koshy, a family counselor in Thiruvananthapuram. “Most men think we are starved of sex and can easily be taken to bed,” says Sandhya (name changed), a Gulf wife in the state capital. “From the newspaper man to those who come once in two months to take meter reading for water and electricity, the approach is the same. I had a tough time getting rid of the father of my daughter’s classmate,” reveals the government officer.
However, most Gulf wives are not as bold as Sandhya or as lucky to have a job. Dr Anil Kumar, a psychiatrist in Guruvayoor, believes that Gulf wives are generally conditioned to a life without sex. But TV, internet or even a stray phone talk with husbands can trigger sexual urge, he says.
Therein lies the problem.
They have learnt to live without sex – Dr. Anil Kumar
Professor Hafiz Mohammed, a family counsellor in Kozhikode, dismisses accounts of extramarital relations among Gulf wives and says these are exaggerated. Mohammed, who did a study on the current state of Muslim women in Malabar, says: “Gulf wives have learnt to adjust without sex. For most of them, the financial security offered by their husbands is far more important than sex. They won’t sacrifice their lives for momentary pleasure.”
“Some sections claim sexual deprivation will affect the mental and physical health of people. I don’t believe this. If this was so, it would have affected thousands of nuns and priests. But they are leading healthy lives,” argues Mohammed. He insists that regular communication through mobiles and internet has, in fact, fostered greater understanding between Gulf men and their wives.
“Stories of extramarital affairs have been spawned by men who want to exploit these women. A new generation of Gulf wives, instead, is trying to gain strength and confidence from the multiple roles they play in the absence of their husbands. It’s not easy to exploit them like earlier,” he digs in.
A 2002 study on Kerala’s Gulf connection by CDS says that the managerial skills of Gulf wives will have a more lasting impact on the Kerala society than any material change that the migration has brought about. The study says that the average age of Gulf wives is 20.5 years, and many are better educated than their spouses.
The UN Fund for Population Activities viewed this as a major asset for Kerala. It praised Gulf wives for their canny and flexible attitude with which they run their families, educate their children, build houses, and even manage the money spend by their husbands.
However, the avenues in Kerala to use these skills are few and far between. KV Shamsudheen, the chairman of the Sharjah-based Pravasi Bandhu Welfare Trust, says more than 90 percent of Gulf wives sit idle at home, and the majority want their husbands to return.