The West has such stringent laws for protecting kids that Indian parents fear losing custody of them if they as much as raise a hand against them
By Meha Mathur
Ashish Pareek, a New Jersey-based TCS employee, and his wife, Vidisha, are having sleepless nights. Not because their four-month-old child, Ashvid, has kept them awake during the wee hours as is normal with babies. But because he is in custody and the parents are running from pillar-to-post to get him back.
Their son was born in October, but just two months later, as the couple was preparing to visit a pediatrician, the child slipped from the mother’s hands and sustained a head injury. The authorities took custody of the child alleging parental negligence. The distraught Pareeks, who hail from Jaipur, have now started a campaign on change.org, and have also appealed to Prime Minister Narendra Modi and Minister of External Affairs Sushma Swaraj for help. The next hearing in the case is on March 16.
Ashish’s brother, Abhishek Pareek, told India Legal from Jaipur that the family had met Rajasthan Chief Minister Vasundhara Raje and Union Minister VK Singh, but both have expressed helplessness in interfering with US courts. India, however, has no laws in this regard.
Meanwhile, in neighboring Canada, a couple from British Columbia was held guilty of beating their teenage daughter with a hockey stick and a skipping rope because she posted her nude pictures to a male friend. The parents gave her the option of choosing home confinement for a certain period or beating. The girl chose beating. Later, she showed her bruises to her school friends, who reported the case to the principal. In court, the judge acknowledged the concern of the parents, but found their punishment excessive.
EAST VS WEST
Both these cases highlight different views on parenting and child rights in the East and the West. In India, a child is the parents’ prerogative. Accidents are forgiven. When this writer’s two-year-old son got badly scalded due to hot oil falling on him in 2001, there was not a word of rebuke from anyone, only comfort from all quarters. And definitely no suspicious questions from the doctor or any stringent punishment.
Also, if a child is going wayward and not following social norms, the eastern perception is that the family has the right to keep him in check, and even use corporal punishment. Don’t we often come across the standard Indian refrain: “Bachpan mein ma-baap ne do chapat lagai hoti, toh aaj ye din nahi dekhna padta (If the parents had given him a tight slap or two, things wouldn’t have come to this state!)”?
Surbhi Bhatia Gogia, an Indian journo in Vancouver and mother of two small kids, says: “The basic philosophy of the West is to consider everybody, even a child, as an individual. Nothing comes above the individual, not even parents. It’s imbibed from day one when the child gets his own car seat, sleeps on a separate bed and eats from a separate plate. Parents are there to support him, not to impose their will.”
Surbhi says that to Indian parents who are used to very different norms, one of the biggest challenges is practising restraint, lest their kids complain in school. “The first lesson taught in school is that if your parent hits you, you have the right to call 911.”
Swati Thakore, another Indian mother, who has been in New Jersey since 1997, says the child-centric approach emanates from problems that the culture faces. “There are too many abuses. There are divorces, drug addict parents and bad relationships, because of which the child gets ignored. There’s no extended family to keep a check. Also, the streets are so lonely. There is no one around. Which is why, according to rules, I cannot let my child go out on his own till he is 14 years. Neither can I leave him at home alone.”
Swati recounts her own experience when her younger son suffered a hairline fracture in the wrist while falling from his bunk bed. “I was petrified while taking him to the doctor because they are authorized to report to the child services if they perceive anything wrong,” she said. The doctor did quiz her, but didn’t report the case. She was lucky. Her sister-in-law who stays in Carlsbad, California, on the West Coast, wasn’t. When her son sustained an injury, authorities came and inspected the home for any negligence or abuse. “The biggest fear in a parent’s mind is that authorities will take his child away. Sometimes, they assume that the child has been abused,” Swati says. Foster care is quite common in the United States and good business. “I can apply to become a foster parent. It will get me good money too.”
CHILD RIGHTS
Globally, there is a movement to prohibit physical punishment of children. Forty-eight countries prohibit it in all settings, including at home and in school, while 52 countries, including India, have expressed their intent to do so (see map). The UN Convention on the Rights of the Child espouses parenting without physical punishment.
Addressing children, the Convention stipulates the following:
Article 3: All adults should do what is best for you. When adults make decisions, they should think about how their decisions will affect children.
Article 9: You have the right to live with your parent(s), unless it is bad for you. You have the right to live with a family who cares for you.
Article 12: You have the right to give your opinion, and for adults to listen and take it seriously.
Article 37: No one is allowed to punish you in a cruel or harmful way.
Article 39: You have the right to help if you’ve been hurt, neglected or badly treated.
Article 40: You have the right to legal help and fair treatment in the justice system that respects your rights.
Article 42: You have the right to know your rights! Adults should know about these rights and help you learn about them, too.
The Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children is trying to achieve that objective. Child experts believe that physical punishment has proved counterproductive in disciplining children, even as numerous surveys across the world show that parents believe that it is effective.
Dr Sanjay Chugh, a Delhi-based senior consultant psychiatrist, says: “If maladaptive or unhealthy behaviors can be modified by explaining and teaching desirable ways, the need for physical punishment becomes redundant. I feel handing out corporal punishment to the child is reflective of inadequacies in the parent.”
HANDLING TANTRUMS
But the moot question is how does one discipline a child who is throwing tantrums? Dr Chugh says: “Throwing tantrums is often a child’s way of seeking attention. One way of dealing with them is to give more quality time, taking care of not only the child’s physical but social and emotional needs as well.”
At a practical level, he suggests “time out” as a good technique to manage tantrums. “The moment the child throws a tantrum, he is sent to another room or a corner for a few minutes, usually 5-15 minutes, till the unacceptable behavior stops. The purpose is to help the child calm down and learn better ways of expressing himself.”
Surbhi says this is a painstaking process and entails a lot of energy, patience and wisdom. Parents are required to reason out with kids. “We can’t order them to eat food. We are required to give them choices, like ‘would you like to finish your food’, ‘would you like to eat sandwiches instead of rice’? You have to leave the final decision to them.” And even as India Legal interviewed Surbhi on Skype, her daughter insisted on being present in the room at the time, much to the discomfort of the mother.
Nothing is left to chance in the West, with books and websites for every child-upbringing issue available. Parents are supposed to read and be well-informed. Thus, the Healthy Child of Manitoba website (http://manitoba.ca/healthychild) has detailed counseling tips for every age group of children under the Triple P-Positive Parenting program on how to tackle bad behavior.
Also, taking the advice of counselors is quite common there. Swati says that if the school feels that something is amiss, it can recommend a counselor. “When my younger son was born, the elder one felt that he was being neglected. He expressed his feelings in an essay and the teacher referred him to the school counselor.”
The child-first approach has many interesting paradoxes and outcomes. While being extra-sensitive about protecting the child, western countries give ample freedom to him from an early age to take his own decisions. Dr Chugh says: “Indian parents tend to spoon-feed much more and for longer periods. This could make children more dependent on them, less assertive in decision-making, less self-reliant and less sure.”
Surbhi, whose daughter is just three, is happy about her daughter’s confidence levels. “When we came to India recently, everyone was praising her for looking after herself. She would keep her plate in the kitchen, wear her clothes herself, etc.”
While those interviewed said their kids wouldn’t be in a position to learn the street-smartness of their Indian cousins, they were dismayed that after 12 years, kids abroad are overexposed to sex in the form of sex education classes. Western society and law, does not consider sex taboo and teenagers have a right to make their own decisions here too.
It’s a tough world out there for parents.